either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
