My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
