I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
