i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
