I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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