hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Im part way to drunk.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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