Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
