I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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