I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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