I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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