It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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