One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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