look no pants
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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