from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
