don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize