my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
