it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Send help, water and tortillas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
