his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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