i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize