I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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