i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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