Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize