Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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