Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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