Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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