it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
