Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
