Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
