Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
