I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
