Got a toothbrush?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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