last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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