somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
