She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sober January is a disaster.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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