just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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