I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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