Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
