The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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