my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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