i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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