I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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