Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
