I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize