I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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