So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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