i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
