Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
