i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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