i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
two words: eviction party
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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