Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
