I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
