Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think people are normalizing furries
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
