Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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