i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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