Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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