just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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