Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
