There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
