Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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