I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
