Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
